


Memoria

by skyloftclouds



Series: Memoria universe [1]
Category: Compilation of Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children
Genre: Angst, Discussions of Past Abuse, Discussions of past torture, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, No beta reader, Sephiroth (Compilation of FFVII) Needs A Hug, don't worry he gets one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2020-07-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:22:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25227505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skyloftclouds/pseuds/skyloftclouds
Summary: Cloud knew he himself was ready to talk about his own past, but was he ready to hear what had happened to Sephiroth?In which Cloud and Sephiroth talk about their pasts and kind of break down.Trigger warnings are in the notes!
Relationships: Sephiroth/Cloud Strife
Series: Memoria universe [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1843069
Comments: 2
Kudos: 53





	Memoria

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: Mentions of torture, abuse and death  
> This wasn't beta read and English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes!
> 
> I had a convo with one of my fave mutuals on Twitter about Cloud and Sephiroth talking about their pasts and it inspired me to write this. And then I got carried away. :'D
> 
> This plays after Advent Children and Sephiroth is pretty much redeemed. He and Cloud live together but they're not in a relationship.

Cloud sat across Sephiroth, holding a mug of tea between his hands. Sephiroth had a cup of his own also filled with tea but he hasn’t touched it, yet. Over the time they had spent together trying to talk casually Cloud had learned that Sephiroth liked to drink tea, if he was the one that made it that is. The moment someone else made it he would start to suspect it might be poisoned, although poison couldn’t kill them with all the mako that coursed through their veins. Cloud guessed it might have to do with the Wutai War. Sephiroth hadn’t really talked about it in detail but Cloud knew how a war worked, there was no denying that both parties had tried to poison the most valued troops at least once.

The last few times they had been talking about trivial things, trying to break the ice while also getting to know each other more. At first Cloud thought it was weird to talk to Sephiroth. Then Sephiroth started to warm up slowly and Cloud saw the broken man underneath the façade he tried to uphold so desperately. But now that Hojo was dead and Sephiroth knew he wouldn’t be put inside a laboratory for experimentation, he started crumpling apart. Not that Cloud was bothered, it was actually a relief to see the more human side to Sephiroth again. And as much as Cloud tried to deny it, it made old feelings stir up inside him.

Today was a day where both of them wanted to try something new, that was the reason why it was Cloud who had prepared Sephiroth’s tea. They wanted to see if Sephiroth trusted him enough in order for them to talk about more serious topics. If no trust was between them there was no real point in trying to come to terms with what had transpired between them.

Cloud knew how sensitive Sephiroth was when asked about his childhood but luckily they worked out a system that allowed Sephiroth to tell him as much as he wanted, without being forced to do so.

“Alright, same rules as always. I’ll talk about the time after the incident at Nibelheim and you can start talking whenever you want, okay?” Cloud took a sip of his tea and smiled at Sephiroth. “Sure.” Sephiroth picked up his mug and eyed it suspiciously before taking a small sip. After deeming the beverage to be safe, he took a bigger sip and carefully sat it down on the table in front of him. Cloud smiled again, he didn’t think Sephiroth would touch the tea that quickly. It made his insides feel all warm and fuzzy but maybe that was just the tea.

“We don’t have to do this today, Sephiroth. Any other day is fine too.” Cloud reached across the table to squeeze Sephiroth’s hand reassuringly. Normally, Sephiroth would have flinched and retreated his hand, but now he actually squeezed back. His green eyes met Cloud’s blue ones.

In the past Cloud would have flinched or shown any other kind of discomfort, but that feeling was long gone now, they were making progress. He was used to feeling Sephiroth’s gaze on him by now, it felt… normal.

“Why are you so kind to me, Cloud?” That was a good question. “You deserve some kindness after all the things you have gone through.” “I haven’t told you anything yet.” Cloud knew that, but he had talked several times to Vincent and the former Turk had told him about the upbringing of Sephiroth. It wasn’t pretty and Cloud could understand to a certain degree why Sephiroth turned out the way he is now. Or was. There were still a few things missing in order for him to understand completely, but that was fine with Cloud. They had all the time in the world.

“I talked to Vincent.” Sephiroth only nodded but Cloud could feel the tension in his body rising. “I’m sorry I probably should’ve asked you before going to him.” “It’s fine, don’t worry.” Cloud didn’t know if Sephiroth was being honest or not, it was really hard to try to read his expressions when he had the ability to conceal his feelings so well. They were silent for a few seconds before Cloud spoke again.

“So… you want to talk today?” Sephiroth nodded. “Yes. It’s time to confront our past I think.” The way he said it made Cloud’s heart ache. Cloud knew he himself was ready to talk about his _own_ past, but was he ready to hear what had happened to Sephiroth? Of course he already had a few speculations and his talk with Vincent only strengthened those, but what if the reality was much worse than anything he could’ve ever imagined?

Sephiroth noticed how Cloud was spacing out and he waved slightly in front of his face. “Hey… are you alright?” “Yeah… sorry I kinda spaced out.” Sephiroth furrowed his brows and looked at Cloud with a concerned expression. “If you don’t feel well we can always talk later. This applies to you too, you know.” Cloud nodded and took a deep breath. “I’m good to go. Don’t worry.” When Sephiroth arched an eyebrow Cloud quickly added “I’ll tell you when I’m not feeling well. I promise.” Sephiroth seemed satisfied enough to drop the subject and he took another sip of his tea. The trust was definitely there, now it was only up to them to make it work.

“Hojo got to Nibelheim as soon as he heard what had happened. I passed out because of the amount of blood I had lost and pretty much woke up when he prepared to inject me with a dose of mako.” Cloud shivered slightly, he felt like he was transported back in time. A smell of the cold basement mixed with that of piercing mako filled his nose again and Cloud tried his best to ignore it. It wasn’t real. He was safe now.

Sephiroth looked at him with an unreadable expression. “I remember that I was trying to break free, but he had restrained me beforehand. And then I got mako poisoning. He probably gave me an overdose, or it was because of the cells he implanted inside me at the same time.” Cloud remembered the feeling of the needles inside his flesh as if it had just happened. It had burned and hurt and all he wanted to do was tear them out of his body. And then Hojo had laughed. That laugh still filled his ears sometimes and haunted him even now.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes and Cloud could see the mako rising inside them. “Pardon me for interrupting, but he _experimented_ on you?” Cloud nodded. “That’s how I got the mako eyes and everything. And of course he added a bit of your genetic data too because he tried to clone you.” Sephiroth made a disgusted sound. “If he weren’t dead already I would chop his head off.” It was no surprise to Cloud that Sephiroth held a grudge against Hojo. Was there even one person who had genuinely liked him? Cloud doubted it.

“After I got mako poisoning he called me a failure and I was inside a mako tank for several years. I think he tried the same procedure with Zack, but he was more resistant to it.” Sephiroth huffed and Cloud could clearly sense the anger, only this time it wasn’t directed at him.

“I don’t remember much after Zack broke me out of my tank. I heard his voice and all, but it was pretty distant. He wanted to go to Midgar, and we were almost there when Shinra caught up with us…” Cloud closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Talking about Zack’s death was always hard for him. But it had gotten better over time. “They killed him. And I was there and couldn’t do anything. I still blame myself for it.” Cloud reminded himself of staying composed, he had to be strong. Zack wouldn’t be happy to know that Cloud cried over his death. He’d smile and pat his shoulder while encouraging him to be strong and believe in himself. That was the Zack he’d known.

“I’m so sorry for what happened to you two. If only I hadn’t let myself be consumed by all the anger and sadness, I could’ve helped you two.” Cloud shook his head. “Don’t put the blame on you. He wouldn’t want that.” Sephiroth looked at Cloud with a soft expression. “He wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for it either. Zack most likely knew the outcome. He’d pretend to not know but deep down Zack was a lot smarter than he let on. He died saving you. I think it makes him happy to know that you’re alive.” Cloud took a sip of his tea to distract himself, it was halfway cold by now.

“Did you two were friends?” Cloud asked shyly. Sephiroth shrugged slightly. “If you’d ask him he would say yes. But I don’t really know if we were friends. We weren’t really that close, it just so happened that a lot of our missions were related. Nevertheless he was someone I trusted to a certain degree.” Cloud wondered if Sephiroth had met Zack and Aerith during his time in the Lifestream but decided that was a question for another time. He didn’t want to be overbearing.

After a few moments of silence Sephiroth dared to ask Cloud a question he should’ve known the answer to, Cloud was sure of that. “Did it hurt when I forced my control over yours? Like when I got you to give me the Black Materia the first time.” Cloud had to swallow hard. He knew something like this would happen. And he knew that Sephiroth most likely knew the answer. He should know after all the time he had spent rummaging around his head. But Cloud wasn’t angry at him. This was about them putting their past behind them without lashing out at each other.

“Physically? No. But Mentally? Oh yes, definitely. It’s like as if you pulled the strings of a puppet and I could only watch without being able to do something. I heard your voice the entire time, praising me and encouraging me to give you the Black Materia. I was frightened and hurt but at the same time I felt happy to finally be of use. It’s weird, I know.” Sephiroth shook his head and his bangs touched his cheeks slightly. Cloud wondered for a brief moment what Sephiroth’s hair felt like.

“I realized it’s actually quite similar to the way I felt as a child when I was still living in the labs. Hojo would try to shape me into the being he deemed as perfection and I could do nothing to stop him. I felt… helpless.” Cloud stayed silent and focused on Sephiroth. “You see, I was a crybaby as a child. It seemed like everything could make me cry, even the most unnecessary things. Hojo saw it as a weakness. So every time I cried I got hit, which in return made me cry even more. He was beyond furious with me.” Cloud clenched his hands into fists. “That bastard… I’m so sorry that has happened to you Sephiroth. You didn’t deserve that. Hell, no one deserves a shitty childhood!” Sephiroth flinched slightly at Cloud’s raised voice and shrunk a little in his seat. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have yelled.” Sephiroth smiled but it looked kind of forced. Cloud had the sudden urge to pull him into a hug, but he knew how Sephiroth reacted to physical contact he didn’t really know so he stayed put in his seat.

“I remember the first time I got sick Hojo called me a weakling. He thought I couldn’t get sick. After that he increased the mako doses. I could get used to the itchy feeling mako creates, but the smell is something I’ll never get used to. The needles are a whole other story too.” Cloud could relate to that, the first time he stepped inside Mako Reactor 1 he felt like his insides might turn around. Back then he didn’t really know why. While he wasn’t really afraid of needles, every time he saw them it made his body go tense for a moment.

Sephiroth looked at Cloud, his expression was once again unreadable. His voice was barely a whisper. “He didn’t hit you too, did he?” Cloud wished he could say no, deny that anything had happened. But he couldn’t. “He did.” He took a deep breath. “Sometimes when I was slower than usual to get up on the table he would hit me across the face. If that weren’t enough he would cut me anywhere he could reach. The mako healed all the wounds and none of them are visible now, but the scars he inflicted on my mental health are still there. He always said it’s for science.”

Sephiroth nodded and reached over the table to hold Cloud’s hand. Their fingers intertwined slowly, and Cloud closed his eyes, enjoying the soft touch that somehow helped him come back to the present. Sephiroth spoke softly, careful not to startle Cloud. “I noticed how similar we are.” Cloud heard Sephiroth sigh and opened his eyes. “Though I’d preferred it to be something happier than us being treated in the same horrible way.” Cloud nodded. “Yeah…”

They took a short break after that to get some fresh air. Cloud loved this new apartment. It was near Seventh Heaven so he could always visit Tifa and the kids while staying near Sephiroth. They weren’t in a relationship or anything, but Cloud sensed there was something developing between them.

“Are you ready to continue?” Sephiroth stood next to him, halfway leaning on the balcony railing. Cloud stared at him for a short moment and then nodded, hoping Sephiroth didn’t notice him staring. They both went inside again, and Cloud prepared a pot of tea. Sephiroth watched him silently.

Once they were sitting down Sephiroth asked him another question. “Tell me if it’s too much, but… did he hurt you often?” Cloud swallowed hard. He could hear his own pained screams ringing in his ears. Begging for mercy. Sephiroth noticed how tense he got. “You don’t have to answer. We can talk about something else.” Cloud shook his head. He had never talked about this part, not even with Tifa and she pretty much knew everything that had happened. “He did.” Sephiroth nodded. “That’s all I wanted to know. You don’t have to speak about it if you don’t want to. After all, we have all the time in the world as you would say.”

After a while Cloud spoke again, but his voice was quiet. “Hojo always said that it’s my punishment for killing you.” He lowered his head and looked at his hands with which he had killed Sephiroth thrice by now. And each time it hurt him even more. Cloud was glad that was behind them and he didn’t have to kill Sephiroth for a fourth time. He wasn’t sure if he could do it.

“It disgusts me to know that Hojo never grew tired of torturing people as a means of punishment.” Cloud looked up at Sephiroth, met his green eyes and felt like he was drowning inside their beauty. “He did it to you as well.” It wasn’t a question, but Sephiroth nodded nonetheless. “Ever since I can remember. Sometimes to test how fast my wounds would heal. Other times to see how long I could survive without any food. He always said it was for science but as a child I was convinced it was because he hated me.”

Cloud took a sip of his tea to sort out his next words. “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” Sephiroth lifted his head. “Go ahead.” Cloud sat his mug down. “Can I hug you?” Sephiroth looked at him as if Cloud had grown a second head. “Why?” Cloud smiled but it looked kind of hurt. “I want to show you that not every touch is linked to bad memories. That while you got hurt in the past you can learn to trust others again.”

Sephiroth got out of his seat and nodded. “Let’s try it.” Cloud smiled again and this time it looked a lot happier. “I’ll be gentle. Tell me if it’s too much.” Sephiroth rolled his eyes. “You talk as if you’re going to break me.” Cloud got up and walked over to Sephiroth.

“Mm. Maybe not your body, but your mental health.” Cloud slowly opened his arms, careful not to startle Sephiroth with sudden movement, and wrapped his arms around his waist. He felt Sephiroth go tense. “Should I stop?” His voice was only a whisper now, but Cloud knew Sephiroth would hear him. “No. _Please don’t leave me_ …” It broke Cloud’s heart to hear Sephiroth begging, his voice was filled with so much agony. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

Sephiroth put his arms around Cloud and pulled his closer, holding onto him as if he were going to drown without him. And then Cloud heart it. A _sob_. The sound alone was heart-wrenching but knowing it was Sephiroth was even worse.

Cloud let his hands glide through Sephiroth’s hair, it was soft to the touch. He heard Sephiroth take in a sharp breath and stopped his movement. “It’s just me. I should’ve asked, sorry.” Sephiroth shook his head, his voice was shaking. “It’s fine. I like it.” Cloud smiled, even though he knew Sephiroth wouldn’t see it. “Then I’ll continue doing it.”

They stood like that for a while, Sephiroth sobbing into his shoulder and Cloud running his hands through Sephiroth’s hair in slow movements. Once Sephiroth had calmed down Cloud knew the hug would stop. He wanted it to last so badly.

Cloud pushed himself away from Sephiroth to get a better look at him. “I think we stop talking about it for now. Alright?” Sephiroth smiled weakly at him and nodded.

They spend the rest of the day at Seventh Heaven, trying to distract themselves from the memories. Cloud was glad that Tifa didn’t ask them why they were suddenly visiting unannounced. She sat down with them and told them about the kids and all the other happy things she could think of.

When they got home, both of them were tired. But neither of them wanted to sleep. Sleep meant possible nightmares and that meant being hurt even more. Cloud hugged Sephiroth once more before wishing him a good night, keeping his door open in case Sephiroth wanted another hug or just someone to talk to.

* * * * * * *

Later at night Cloud awoke to a scream. He practically jumped out of his bed and went over to Sephiroth’s room, before going in he stopped. Was this a good idea?

Sephiroth had probably sensed his presence because Cloud heard his soft voice calling him. “I’m here.” Even though the entire room was dark, Cloud could see Sephiroth perfectly. Benefits of being mako enhanced. “Can you come over?” Cloud nodded.

When he sat down Sephiroth hugged him, burying his face in Cloud’s hair. Okay. That was new. As if Sephiroth had read his mind, he answered Cloud’s questions before he could even ask it. “I had a nightmare.” “Do you want to talk about it?” Sephiroth shook his head and dragged Cloud down with him on his bed.

“Stay. Please.” “I will.” Cloud started to comb with his fingers through Sephiroth’s hair and earned a pleased sigh. Soon enough Sephiroth’s breathing slowed down and Cloud was sure he was asleep again. With a sigh he shifted slightly in Sephiroth’s embrace to get comfortable and drifted off into his own sleep.

* * * * * * *

Cloud woke up feeling watched. When he opened his eyes he was greeted by Sephiroth’s green ones. “Good morning.” Cloud mumbled some incoherent reply and Sephiroth chuckled. “Tired?” Cloud wrapped his arms around Sephiroth without really thinking much about it. “Five more minutes.”, he grumbled.

In the end it were ten more minutes, but Cloud found out that Sephiroth didn’t really object the cuddles. Once Cloud was more awake he realized they had been cuddling all night. Not that it bothered him. But Cloud was reminded of this feeling deep inside him, wanting to burst out of his chest. Did he love Sephiroth? No, that couldn’t be it. Surely it was just a strong friendship. Friends could cuddle too. That had to be it.

After getting dressed and eating some breakfast with Sephiroth, they resumed talking about casual things. The only problem was that Cloud couldn’t concentrate. Sephiroth noticed it after a while. “You look like you’re lost in your thoughts.” Cloud rubbed the back of his head and smiled sheepishly. “Sorry.” “It’s alright. Want to talk about it?”

Cloud didn’t know how to say it. ‘Hey, I just realized I might have fallen in love with you!’ He could always say that, but it didn’t feel right. “I don’t know. I’m probably just overthinking things a bit.” Sephiroth nodded. “We can always stop talking and I can leave you with your own thoughts.” Cloud quickly shook his head, maybe a bit too much. “No! It’s alright.” He got up from the sofa they were sitting on and walked over to the kitchen. “I’m making some tea, do you want some too?” Sephiroth nodded and got up as well.

While Cloud was waiting for the water to boil he could feel Sephiroth’s gaze on him. When his arms wrapped around his waist and his chin rested atop his head Cloud froze. Not because he was scared, it was just something he didn’t expect to happen.

“Did I startle you?” Cloud shook his head. “Not really. Though that doesn’t help me with my current train of thought.” Sephiroth chuckled and Cloud felt like his heart might spring out of his chest. “Mm. So I’m the cause for you overthinking something?” “Maybe.” Sephiroth tightened his embrace and nuzzled his hair, which made Cloud sigh in return. Not because he was annoyed, no. He felt like he was falling even more for Sephiroth. It was his teenage years all over again, the only difference was that he was older and more experienced now.

A bit reluctantly, Cloud wiggled out of Sephiroth’s embrace to pour the hot water inside their mugs. He grabbed both and walked over to the sofa to place them on the small table. The he plopped down with a heavy sigh. Sephiroth followed him quietly and sat down next to him.

“I’m thinking about too much stuff at the same time. Makes my head hurt.” Sephiroth nodded. “My offer still stands.” “Even if it’s about you?” Sephiroth smirked. “So it _is_ about me?” Cloud shrugged. “I didn’t say no.” “Nonetheless, my offer remains the same. If you want to yell at me, do it.” Oh how wrong Sephiroth was. Cloud wasn’t planning to yell at him at all.

Cloud took a moment to sort his thoughts, or at least he tried to. It was harder than anticipated to concentrate on how to deliver his love confession with the person sitting right next to him. Sephiroth didn’t do anything, but his presence alone was enough to stop Cloud’s brain from working properly.

“I’m not as poetic as you with my words…” Sephiroth raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything. “…but I might’ve fallen in love with you.” The room was silent for a while. Cloud didn’t dare to look at Sephiroth. “Yeah well, that was a bad idea.” Cloud was getting up from his seat when Sephiroth grasped his wrist. Slowly, Cloud turned around and saw Sephiroth smiling at him. “Thank you for telling me.” Sephiroth pulled Cloud down onto his lap.

Just then all the blood in Cloud’s body decided it might be a good idea to move to his face. Cloud buried his face in Sephiroth’s shoulder, not wanting Sephiroth to see him blushing furiously. He placed a hand on Cloud’s head pulled him closer into a hug. “Truth be told, I’m feeling the same way.” Cloud’s heart stopped for a second. Wait, what?

“You sure you’re not saying that to not hurt my feelings?” Cloud pulled away to get a better look at Sephiroth’s face. “Wait. Are you _blushing_?” Sephiroth averted his eyes, but the blush on his face got only stronger. “N-No.” “Aww Seph that’s so cute!” Sephiroth’s eyes widened at the nickname and Cloud felt like he was falling even more for him.

“Can I kiss you?” Sephiroth looked at him with the same expression when Cloud had asked for his permission to hug him. “Okay.” Cloud smiled and slowly leaned forward. Sephiroth met him halfway.

Cloud had never kissed before, but it felt soft and kind of nice. When they parted Cloud rested his forehead against Sephiroth’s and he couldn’t help but grin. “I love you.” Sephiroth put his hands on either side of Cloud’s face and kissed him again. “I love you too.”

Maybe life wasn’t so bad after all.


End file.
